Ugh

by

I don’t ask for  much in this world.

I’m pretty low-key.

Definitely low-maintenance.

I just started having a standing hair appointment in the last year or so. (Feel like a grown woman with my every other Thursday at nine joint).

After giving birth, my feet went up a full size and a half. They only came back down a half-size.

A year later, I realized that all my cute shoes were just taunting me from my closet. I stacked them neatly in the foyer of my apartment and parceled them out. To my little sister, to TG’s mom and a few pair to charity. Done. It’s over. I got big feet.

It’s hard to start a shoe game from scratch.

Especially when you have no good reason to buy cute shoes. I’m a freelancer. I haven’t been to an office since 2000. What on earth do I need a cute shoe game for?

After I came to grips with my new shoe size, I began to slowly but surely purchase new shoes, mostly cute flats.

Just picked these up last week.

target shoe

Target. 20 bucks. What?!

Well. I blogged about my shoe game months ago. About how I had this one pair of shoes I depended on when I needed to shine. I live for these shoes. Whether I’m wearing skinny jeans, a flirty dress or a tight mini, I slip into these and feel like I’m doing it.

They made me do a double-take in the window of the store. I slipped into them and bought them on the spot. You know how it is when you find the shoe.

madison2_granite_side

Last week, I had a pep talk about marketing my book from Bevy Smith. (Google her. She’s fab). I told her that I was nervous about promoting my book next summer. I don’t do television. And haven’t done much in the way of marketing myself. She asked me: If you get a chance to push this book on The View or The Wendy Williams Show what do you see yourself wearing?

Great question!

I thought about it. And then she asked me if I had that outfit in my closet. And I said yes, I do. She said. Dress like that whenever you go into the City. Dress like that when there is even a 5% chance that you could run into someone who will be important to you marketing this book. Be a brand!

But Miss Bevy, I said. I’m on my way into the City right now to listen to Alicia Keys’ album. And it’s pouring down rain.

Miss Bevy said, you go out there and make it sunny! Shine, chile! Be bright! Be a star!

I threw on my wrap dress from Target. Put on my happy shiny raincoat and The Shoes. Even though it was pouring rain. I put make up on. Picked out my fro. Pushed out my boobs and strutted into NYC.

I was channeling Bevy. And Wendy Williams. And Cher. And my momma. And every other fab chica I know.

I was switching y’all.

Got to the studio and this deliveryman said, “Work it, sista!”

I turned around and winked at him and kept it moving.

Yes I did y’all!

Went up to Alicia Keys’ management office. A young lady ushered me to a conference room.

“Right this way.”

I see all these young kids, popping gum, looking fly. I’m thinking, damn. I know I’m old. But these kids are music critics?

She sees my confusion and says, “You’re here to audition to sing backup for Alicia, right?”

Ow! Hot damn!

No, I said, I’m here to listen to the music.

Oh, she said. Really? Right this way. I joined my other drab writer friends, (sorry Smokey. But really a t-shirt and jeans? My goodness.) and listened to Alicia Keys’ new joint while swinging my heels.

You could not tell me I was not doing it!

Yes, I was!

I felt good, y’all.

Real good.

Miss Bevy was right. You have to walk out the house like you mean. Switch it. Channel somebody else if it ain’t you.

Cause this girl right here? With the cute dangling earrings and the cuff bracelet she never wears cause it’s never a special enough day?

photo 5

That ain’t me. That’s me channeling who I wanna be.

And this right here:

laughing

That’s not me either. But I like her. She’s confident! She’s brass. She don’t take no tea for the fever! [Sob!]

Anyway. That version of me sashayed on home. To my run down house that needs more repairs than I can afford.

And I was met by the newest member of my household.

photo1

That’s Junior. Part Pitbull. Part Boxer. All cute and cuddly and sweet.

Junior is six months old. He needs a lot of exercise. Or he destroys things.

I make it my business to take Junior to the dog park every day.

photo 4

Junior with his girlfriend at the dog park. Too bad you're getting neutered tomorrow.

When I went to Santa Fe, I was sure to hire someone to pick Junior up each day and take him to the dog park for a few hours. And then I had my nephew come over in the evenings and walk him before TH came home.

Junior eats food you can only buy at premium pet stores. Organic. I spend more money on his food than I do on my own. He drinks water from the Poland Spring bottles we have. Not tap. Oh. And I clean up his shit when I take him for a walk.

In return, Junior licks me. Jumps on me. And occasionally tries to leap into my bed and sleep between me and TH. (We kick him out. Then he goes to TG’s room, who allows such nonsense, and sleeps with her.)

Junior’s okay with me. I like him. He’s a great addition to the family.

But now this mofo has gotta GO. And I mean TODAY.

I laid in bed, resting my dogs after a day of teetering around the city in 4-inch heels. Ended up drifting off for a quick nap. I popped up to go pick up Tog from daycare and nearly tripped and fell over Junior and his new toy:

photo

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Why couldn’t he chew off Tog’s pinkie instead? That could be reattached!

Okay. You might be thinking. It’s just a pair of shoes.

WELL YOU’RE WRONG.

That’s more than a shoe! That’s a way of life. That was my inner Bevy Smith, my inner Tai Beauchamp. My inner Tyra, Oprah and Wendy trifecta.

I felt a palpable horror take hold in my chest when I reached down and picked up my shoe. Junior just got up, walked away, nosed into my closet and proceeded to take the other shoe out of the box in which I put them when I came home.

I’m done. I’m through. Back to Schlumpville.

And all because of that dumb dog.

Why won’t anyone let me be great?

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23 Responses to “Ugh”

  1. Miss Dimples Says:

    Yeah….Junior would have been on the side of the road with a “For Sale” sign on him. Miss Dimples Don’t Play Dat!!!

  2. ellemonah Says:

    Dogs + shoes on the floor or at a reachable height does not mix. I also learned that lesson.

    Don’t give Junior away though. He meant no harm.

  3. Lashonda Silver Says:

    I feel your pain. My 4 pound pooch did so much damage to a pair of shoes I had I wondered if he had help. My husband’s reply…”he’s a dog. It’s what they do.” My kids learned this lesson with flipflops and Rico.

  4. Lauren Says:

    OMG! (sobbing quietly) I absolutely feel your pain :( I won’t even let my daughter wear my favorite 5 year old Aldo pumps for more than 2 minutes!!! Junior has to GO! No… just kidding (not really). But he’s definitely gotta learn his lesson. Tap water for at least two weeks!!!

    (sidebar) I lusted after your shoes every single time you posted any pics of them… Why, Junior?Why??? :(

  5. serenakim Says:

    that happened to me too! i had these marc jacobs black wedge mary janes that i got mad compliments on, and my dog tore the heel up. i wanted to crush his spirit. but you know what he doesn’t do that anymore? something in him must’ve clicked when he saw my crestfallen eyes. we need to talk about what amount of beating is acceptable for a dog.

    by the way your shoes were the business!

  6. Littlemissbrown Says:

    Awww man! I know how much you loved those shoes…

    No need to go back to Schlumpville…pick yourself back up and go out there and find yourself a new pair of fab go to shoes! You can do it!

    And next time…put all your shoes up high, very high! :-)

  7. MissMelody Says:

    Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl you were absolutely workin it! Don’t lose your greatness because of that silly pet, pull that back outta you from time to time, get another pair of shoes and keep at it! Work it in your FLATS. Cuz it wasn’t just the shoes, it was something inside of you. nmd stick Junior in the basement. He was outta his lane for that.

  8. Aliya S. King Says:

    @MissMelody: No. It was nothing inside of me. IT WAS THE SHOES.

  9. Shanny Says:

    They have a pair of shoes just like that @ Wet Seal for like $30. I had them in black and I always felt like a million bucks in them. Hope that makes you feel better.

  10. kendra Says:

    o.m.G. this is why i don’t have a pet.

  11. The Fashion Bomb Says:

    Aliya,
    Good thing you memorialized those shoes in a pic. I don’t ‘do’ animals and would’ve felt no qualms about opening the door and letting him ‘run away.’ I feel your pain. I trip when my little sister borrows a dress and doesn’t dry clean it! But I’m kinda nuts about my stuff…
    Buy a new shoe. Continue to channel Bevy, Tai, Wendy, and YOU. And keep them out of reach from that d@mn dog!!

  12. Katura Says:

    You sure do look like a back up singer for one of the soul renassaince artists in those pix. I agree you gotta look fly–effortlessly fly–when you’re branding yourself, or just hanging in NYC in general. But SOB for the shoes. I can’t imagine.

  13. Yolonda Says:

    I am so sorry…Off with his tail! Just kidding!?! you need to find him so chew toys.

    Don’t slip into slumpish-ville. Chanel it with a new pair of shoes

  14. Luvvie Says:

    OH… my… DAMN!!!! I just about dropped my mouf on the floor. Then I did a *CHAIR SLIDE*. Then crawled to the wall so I could do a proper *WALL SLIDE*. iCan’t. I’m all verklempt.

    NOT THE SHOES!!!! WHY LAWD!!!!!

  15. Luvvie Says:

    Oh and u MUST get a new pair of IT shoes! Send me ur shoe size and budget. I WILL find u a new pair. By God is my witness!

  16. Aliya S. King Says:

    @luvvie. size nine and a half. budget: up to 150.00. 200.00 if they make my toes curl. But I will run up in Target in a minute and rock some 30.00 jawns too. And I’ve been meaning to see what’s popping in Payless.

  17. Aliya S. King Says:

    @luvvie: I need more than one pair of shoes. As of right now, I have NO dressy shoes. I need, like four or five pairs of heels. Cause right now all I have is one shoe. Not one pair of shoes. Just one, singular shoe.

  18. SingleSassySweet Says:

    Oh no!!!!! Yea Junior def HAS to go!! That’s gotta be the worse. I’m SO sorry for your loss! I hope you can find them again, or shoes that make you feel better than those!!

  19. Luvvie Says:

    Aight. Duly noted. Don’t be surprised if you get a couple of links with FIERCE shoes within the next coupla days.

    I do not discriminate on the $30 joints either, but I’m also willing to plop down $150 (not often. But if the shoe cries and pines for me, I’m choiceless). The search begins. *starts perusing the web*

  20. Alisha Says:

    Ugh, that does suck, Aliya! I’m confident you’ll find another hot pair of shoes. You looked so cute! I love this line:

    “You could not tell me I was not doing it!” Maybe the attitude came from a deeper place than what you had on (although clothes do help!).

    I see have similar tastes because I almost bought those Target shoes! I opted for the red suede flats, instead. I need a pair of hot pink pumps in my life. You have inspired me.

  21. al Says:

    cousin say it ain’t so! you know i love the ammimals (says Mai), but don’t eff with my SHOES! those shoes look like my enzo’s that make me snap my neck and say, WHAT?! everytime i wear them. i live for zappos and should really buy stock. def check them out.

  22. MsVisionaty Says:

    Yes, he’s got to go! Not the fierce heels, honey!

  23. schukumba Says:

    ROTFL! Child u had me dying! When u saw that shoe, I’m sure you were channeling the Hulk! Stick with the Target kicks until u arrive at fabulosity, and someone will be walking Junior and keeping him away from your fly kicks.

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