The Guilty Admission: I need to lose some weight

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Now I was fully dressed...including my coat. and boots. That's gotta count for at least two pounds. Right?

Now I was fully dressed...including my coat. and boots. That's gotta count for at least two pounds. Right?

TG had a swim meet yesterday. On the way out, I stopped and jumped on a scale near the exit doors.

A brief breakdown on me and scales: I don’t own one. And I don’t believe in them. If I go to the doctor, I’ll jump on and see what it says. If I’m at my mom’s house and I wash my hands, I’ll get on the scale in her bathroom and check.

My weight doesn’t fluctuate too wildly. And I’m not a slave to the number. I pay closer attention to how my clothes fit. When the jeans get a bit tight or hard to button, I know it’s time to tighten things up.

So. I get on the scale yesterday. And I am very unhappy with the number staring back at me.

This morning, I plugged my stats into a website that computes your Body Mass Index.

my-bmi-11

I am five feet and five inches tall. At this weight, my Body Mass Index is 24.8. Which is considered “normal weight.”

But just one-tenth of a pound more and I am officially in the “overweight” category, according to the Body Mass Index.

Let me stop right here before folks start getting pissed off at me.

I know I’m not fat. I know I’m not overweight. Even if I do gain a tenth of a pound by lunchtime, which I’m sure I will, I know that I’m not doing so bad. I would never say, oh woe is me, I’m so huge. I know people would smack me.

However, this is about how I feel. And my own comfort zone for where I’d like to be. Here’s me three years ago, at my ideal weight, which is somewhere between 130 and 135.

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Stomach: flat. Thighs: juicy but not too much. Butt: perky. Boobs: not too flat. The jeans I’m wearing here were a size 29. I wouldn’t be able to get those up to my knees right now.

I’ve been much thinner. I once dipped down to about 125. Which is way too thin for me.

So yesterday, when I kept pushing that metal bar over…and over…and over, I felt a little lump forming in my throat.

And this is all YOUR fault. Yes, YOU dear reader. You, right there, reading my words right now. Sending my traffic through the roof. Commenting on my posts and helping to build a community. Yes, it’s all your fault.

My attention to a healthy diet and moderate exercise went out the window about two months ago. I started blogging and it quickly became an obsession. I’m hoping that I make this look easy. But it’s not. And it’s become a job. So in addition to my regular responsibilities as a writer, coupled with my home life, I haven’t done things that I need to do in order to eat healthfully. You know. Like food shopping. Here’s my refrigerator right now.

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Top shelf? Nothing edible. Some pasta sauce for Tog’s ravioli. And her milk. Some ancient takeout.

Second shelf? A bunch of who-knows-what. All of which needs to be tossed.

Third shelf? Tog’s peas and yogurt. (She’s the only semi-healthy eater in the house).

At the bottom? Those brown paper bags? They are from a nearby spot called Panera. It’s good food. A step up from fast food. I am too embarrassed to say how often my family’s dinner comes from this place. (Cough cough–every day–cough cough). But when I should be shopping or cooking, I’m writing a blog post, or responding to my commenters. Or doing some homework for a future blog.

Damn you. Damn you all.

In the morning, I leave the house without taking a moment to prepare lunch or breakfast. Bad move. After I drop the kids off at school and head to the office, I hear my stomach grumbling. So I stop for coffee. And a bagel. Or a donut.

And once I start the day eating poorly, the rest of the day is shot to hell. I’m in my little office all day with nothing to snack on. By two pm, I’m so hungry I can’t see straight and I’m heading for a drive through. (blech!).

Dinner time rolls around. And I like to eat with my family. Not spend an hour cooking. So we have soup and sandwiches from Panera.

And then, nighttime rolls around. And you know what that means? I’ll tell you what it means. Let’s take a look in my freezer.

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These containers are actually empty. This photo has been staged. I will not reveal how long it took for these two containers to be emptied. (cough cough--two days!--cough cough)

The last month or so, my ice-cream consumption has increased triple fold. I’m ashamed to admit it. But in the interest of full disclosure and perhaps shaming myself into making a change, I must confess.

I’m eating a bowl of ice cream every night. A big one. In bed. Watching Will and Grace.

This is SO wrong on so many levels! And this is SO not me!! I swear!!

I’ve never been seduced by snacks. Never had much of a sweet tooth. I love vegetables and fruit smoothies and quinoa and kale and lots of good-for-you stuff. TH has always been a snackaholic. And I’ve often watched him devour an entire bag of cookies or a pint of ice cream. And it just didn’t make sense to me. I’ve never understood why you would eat a bag of chips when you could have a granola bar instead.

I’ve always been that chick who reads food labels, compares fat content and chooses accordingly. I’m the chick who was still running a mile a day at five months pregnant. I’m the chick who went to the gym three times a week with a personal trainer until two days before my daughter was born. (And I am dead serious. My last session with my trainer was on a Sunday. Tog was born on Tuesday.) I was back in the gym when she was six weeks old!

So what the hell happened to me?

I’d like to blame it all on my dear readers. But I know the slip ups started even before the blog. The blog just intensified what was already happening.

It stops today.

Well, I did have a glazed donut this morning. So maybe it all stops this afternoon.

Except, I didn’t bring any lunch and I have zero willpower when I don’t come prepared. And in my ‘hood, there is nothing healthy to eat.

Okay. It all starts tonight. For real. I will go to the supermarket. (The very idea gives me hives because I’m ashamed that I haven’t done a proper food shop in so long). I will buy yogurt. I will buy cashews. I will buy bottled water. I will buy sensible snacks for my office.

And I’d like to feel stronger too. I was able to lift more weight, run longer and faster when I was nine months pregnant. How sad is that? I haven’t done ANY form of exercise in at least six months.

I know I can get my body back. I gained SIXTY pounds while knocked up. That’s right, I said it. SIXTY. I lost it all. Then dropped another five just to show off.

But that was when Tog was a tiny little thing who couldn’t walk. Or talk. Or demand to dance around the living room to Estelle’s “American Boy” seven times in a row.

And that was before you, my dear readers, wrecked havoc on my free time.

I’m putting myself out there right now. I want to do better. I want to eat better. And I want to exercise. Diabetes and heart disease runs in my family. And we all know that eating right and exercising is the cornerstone of good health.

Can I tell you about my grandmother? Her name was Eudora Hayes.

My maternal grandmother was a hell of a woman. She owned property throughout the city of Newark. She was vibrant. She took long cross country trips with her dog. Got married for the second time in her sixties. Took me camping in her RV. Doted on all her grandchildren. Kept up with everything in popular culture. Watched every single day of the OJ trial and called her daughters nightly to give them updates.

My grandmother was big on self-improvement. In the early 1970s, she abruptly gave up alcohol. And never touched the stuff again. Ten years later, she quit smoking cold turkey.

But she never stopped eating poorly. There were weekly trips to the Entenmann’s outlet in Wayne, New Jersey. (She taught me that drizzling melted butter on a prepared dessert actually made sense). There was a deep freezer of fat-laden desserts and pork products. And there was always, always a softened stick of butter on her kitchen table, ready to slide over anything from a piece of toast to a slice of pound cake.

In 1996, she had a heart attack in her living room. She pushed her medic alert button which contacted both the local hospital and my parents. My dad got there first. And she was already gone.

My grandmother has never met my husband. Never seen my little girls. And I know she would have been crazy about them. It hurts me so much that she’s not here.

I use to drink and smoke (Newports!!) regularly as well. I gave ’em both up years ago cold turkey and never looked back. Now, my vice is Breyers.

The mirror (and my friends and family) may tell me I look just fine. But I know it’s more than skin deep. It’s not just about getting into a bikini this summer. (Though that IS the plan). It’s about making a lifestyle change so that I can live my best life. And meet my great-grandchildren.

Dear readers, can you tell me how you’re feeling right now about your weight? (Fellas, I want to hear from you too). Are you at your target weight? How far away? Are you working out regularly? What is your regimen?

I’d love to hear from you…

me-and-my-grandmother1

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37 Responses to “The Guilty Admission: I need to lose some weight”

  1. Kimberly Says:

    I am joining Bally’s within the next two weeks and I plan to go until I reach my goal. No telling what will happen after though. By no means am I fat, but like you said the number staring back at me from the scale hurts. I weigh what I did when I was pregnant (25 plus the normal) and it’s not cool with me. Hubby is all right with it of course, but imagine what could happen in 5 more years if I continue this way. How will I feel? Shoot, how will I look?

  2. Yolonda Says:

    Aliya, I am like you. I had my daughter and got back to my pre-pregnancy weight within two weeks. I had only gained 35 pounds though. Now I have gained that weight and more, however, I have a plan. I am working out with a trainer as we speak and I have a few personal “physicial” goals this year (run a 10K and wear a bikini this summer). My vice is candy and sweet stuff so I try to limit what I have in my house.

    Good luck and keep us posted on your progress. Maybe you could create a weightloss blog.

  3. Tanisha Says:

    My name is Tanisha and I am an addict. A sweet addict. But I’m in recovery. I still have the candy I got for Valentines Day, so I know I’m doing better. Sweets are my weakness. Swedish fish, Twizzlers, Laffy Taffy, Now & Laters, umm umm good. Chocolate, not so much. I also love good church cake (you know the kind they sale at the rummage sale every year) and homemade-like cookies & brownies too. Ice cream too. I know too much refined sugar isn’t good for me and isn’t going to be in the long term, so I scaled back after I took a nutrition class a few years ago. Now these things are more like a treat and I don’t have to eat all of it either.

    I’m ok with my weight. I don’t feel like I look a mess, but I also know I can do better too. I started swimming three times a week and I think its helped. I try to take the stairs, park far, and walk a lot too. I do what I can, when I can.

    Today I’m going to have two delicious homemade cookies at lunch. But I also know I will have double veggies with dinner and a fruit smoothie to kill the jonesin for sweets later on. Its all about balance for me.

  4. Lashonda Says:

    Aliya,

    1st I have enjoyed reading your post. You have had me thinking and laughing many times. I have been a silent observer, but could not resist with I saw your prom picture. Why, because I think about the dresses I wore to all 4 of the proms I went to at CJS and not one would go on my left thigh.
    My new lease on life goal was to get to a healthy weight. My extra incentive, the jackpot at my job for $600.00 to the person who drops the biggest percentage of their body weight.
    I have changed my eating habits and begun to work out. I am joining the gym because I hate to work out at home. My husband and son like to “watch” me and my 4 year old gets in the way working out with me. This all makes for a hostile work out and I need to feel the at peace when I work out.
    I have until the end of March to win that jackpot…great post.

  5. Kimmie Says:

    Last month I decided to say out loud that I was fat. Not chubby, stocky, chunky, curby, etc, but fat. The reason why I said it was because every time I mention losing weight, my friends (and men) always say no you look good. Don’t lose too much because then you’ll lose the “beauty that is you” and look funny. And I’m tired of it. I will still look the same. I will just be healthier. I carry my weight very well ( I could win at the fair game “guess your weight” bc jaws drop when I tell them how much I actually weigh) but it is still too much, especially for my height (5 “1 1/2.) I know everything to do food and exercise-wise so I had to chalk it up to just being lazy. So, when my 2nd job decided to do The Biggest Loser, at the beginning of this month I joined in. I’m averaging 40 minutes 3 times a week (which I want to get to every day) and I’ve been eating fruit and veggies like crazy. I still have a few slip ups (I too am a sweet addict) but it’s nowhere near the amount I use to consume. I use to be able to eat sweets all day long but now, I’ll have a serving of the mini candies and spread it throughout the day. If I tried to cut cold turkey, it would backfire. It has before. I’ve lost 3 pounds so far and taking it day by day. I don’t want to lose a lot too quickly because it’s unhealthy and will just come right back so slower is better for me. But I can say I’m enjoying working out. Hopefully by the summer, I will have lost 20 pounds. I’ll still be a curvy girl, but on a smaller scale!

  6. Ms 20 Somn Says:

    Im BATTLING weight. I actually have a post on my blog about me scare after stepping on a scale and trying to get back to a sensible weight.
    Im fairly tall and been fooled into thinking I’m not that heavy…I’m just tall and thick…but the scale doesn’t lie!
    I lost 5lbs…but I still battle with the weight thing, because I love rich and decadent foods which usually contain lots of fat and all things bad for you, and I haven’t been able to ween myself off them completely.
    On the bright side, I have still been going to the gym, so I guess there’s still hope!

  7. Del Says:

    NYTBA!!! What happened? When we last spoke about eating healthy, you were like a vegan or something. I came over and you had a smoothie blending in the blender (which was EXCELLENT by the way – shoot me that recipe again please), veggies sautéing in the frying pan and gourmet kettle corn sitting in the snack bin. (Sigh). Do you need me to draw up a weight tracker? You know, like the infamous dough tracker?! LOL!

    My regimen is tight!

    -Gym 3 to 4 times a week (I hit up an advanced abdominals class at least one of those days).

    -Monday – Fridays I eat a granola bar in the mooring with 8 ounces of juice, a mid-morning snack (3 table spoons of peanuts or 7 honey wheat pretzels), lunch (water and one of those Healthy Choice frozen meals, or turkey and Swiss on wheat, or a grilled chicken salad with light honey mustard) Mid-day snack (more water and fruit, or the serving size of some wheat thins or something) and for dinner (5-calorie Crystal Lite tea or fruit punch and baked salmon, or steamed veggies, or grilled chicken, or seared shrimp).

    Sat & Sun- I drink heavily (wine, Grey Goose, more wine) and treat myself to some fried foods. And then Monday I start all over again.

    I should write a diet book! Ha!

  8. Whitney Says:

    I love this post! Black people are so quick to jump on anyone that’s not visually overweight and I love how you said that it’s about how you feel. My grandmother was from a little town called Roxton, Texas and kept a supply of sowbelly in the kitchen, RC Cola in the fridge and Blue Bell ice cream in the freezer, despite her diabetes. She died at 65 when I was 12. I COMPLETELY feel you and am also striving to live more healthily than she did so I can be around to see my grandkids go to college and have babies. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog :)

  9. Kenny Says:

    Well…Aliya I feel ya on the whole weight issue. I knew I had to put myself in check when the guy who makes my chicken cutlet sandwiches at my favorite deli says to me “What will it be today big guy…” I turn around to see if there is someone standing on line bigger than me, because the guy who works behind the counter is bigger than I am weight-wise. As you get older you have to fight harder not to look like your uncle Leroy or Ernest with your gut hanging over your belt. OK, love your blog. By the way…cute picture of you Gi Phi Gi “Don’t Want to be Alone tonight” prom dress. Stay up!

    Kenny Miles

  10. jay1 Says:

    60 pounds?! Wow.

    I’m like 35-40 pounds overweight, and I need to lose 45 by May to win a $500 bet.

    i starting working out and working on some kind of change about 2 weeks ago.

    i do a light work out in the morning to get the metabolism going, then i eat smart during the day, then a real work out before dinner. i cut out the snacking and eating late at night in general.

    By July I’ll be the obnoxious, shirtless guy at six flags. Again.

    also that “wii fit” is real. I recommend that to everyone.

  11. Hanif Says:

    I just gained about 15 pounds after losing 10. Net total 5, but i’m about 30lbs overweight. I find myself sneaking to BK, Wendy’s, and Micky D’s on my lunch break…My Fiancee thinks she’s watching what I eat. I have to lose about 30lbs before the wedding which is next May. I have to get on the ball. I don’t think I handle authority well.

    I gave up Red meat about 10 years ago, and I think I eat relatively healthy. I have been DONATING money to a gym for about a year now. Dr. Ian is sending me threatening e-mails about my lack of participation in the 50 million pound challenge. I signed up enthusiatically about the same time I signed up for the gym.

    I’m scared to death about not being her for my daughter when she grows up. I get regular physical and my vitals are good, but how long will that last as I get older.

    For some reason, I make excuses about why i don’t have time to go to the gym. I need motivation. And my Wii fit embarasses me everytime I turn it on and it asks me “Where the HELL have you been fatso”

  12. jenny jen Says:

    my starbucks friend…i love that you wrote this….

    one point sticks out to me in your admission….comfort zone…each of us must find where that is and by no means does that infer that any of us should strive for some unrealistic body that is unattainable in any healthy way shape or form…what, instead, we should all work towards is healthy living

    healthy living via moving more, eating smaller more frequent meals, more fruits and veggies, less white flour products, if you eat meat then make smart meat choices, stress less, and rest more…basically don’t overdo anything and we can have a little bit of everything – as a former high school athlete and someone who still works out 5-6 days a week, i’ve learned the value of portion control

    easier said than done…today i ate 13 chocolate chip cookies when i know damn better, but it is what it is….tomorrow i’ll do 1 hour of cardio instead of 45 and i stay away from the scale because it is evil and will drive you crazy because we have so many measurments, scales, and news reports that dictate what we should weigh…but almost everyone falls in between the data and the sources don’t take into account that muscle weighs more than fat…i’m 5’5 and 165 lbs, by any published report…i’m teetering on obese, but anyone that’s ever seen me would disagree

    the bottom line (or waist line) is be good to yourself…learn what good is….and move towards it everyday…i’m done

  13. Alisha Says:

    U’m finally becoming comfortable with my weight. I’ve always been the skinny girl. At almost 6′, I’m 136 pounds. I waver between that and 132. I used to obsess about gaining weight. I wanted to be one of those thick girls. Never been me. I finally realize that I’m pretty hot and I no longer wish for another 10 pounds.I’m the envy of everyone at college homecomings. Until I pop out a baby, I’m good in my own skin.

  14. Elise Says:

    I asked for and got the Wii fit for christmas!! Annnnnnnd it’s still in the box :-( …… and everyday I say “TODAY, no seriously TODAY is the day….fo real!” And while i want to look good, more importantly… iw ant to FEEL GOOD. Thanks again for sharing another one of your life observations. Ya know I am a fan!

  15. la negrita Says:

    I’m one of those skinny [fill in the blank] that Monique rants about all the time, so I laugh in the face of exercise. But my diet is horrible, and I worry quite a bit about what my insides look like (though oddly enough, not to the point that I’m motivated to do anything about it). My food intake is something like this:

    Breakfast: A grande hot chocolate or tall cafe vanilla frappuccino from Starbucks, or nothing

    Lunch (anywhere between 1pm-4pm, depending on the day): I try to make up for eating takeout by going to a “healthy” place like Panera or Corner Bakery. This is very expensive.

    Dinner: Usually Culver’s or some other fast food place. :-/ Again, I try to make up for not eating prepared food by picking the lesser of the evils.

    Sometimes, though, I will go a WHOLE DAY without eating a meal until 5pm or so. Very bad. I have a habit of snacking. I’ve only started really going off the “bad diet” deep end as of late, and I’m pretty sure it’s linked to other goings ons in my life.

    I don’t know what my weight is, but I don’t think I’ve ever gotten too far beyond 124. In fact, I don’t think I’ve gotten up to 125. It hoovers around 117 or something. I can still fit my prom dress. :-D But I have a feeling that the weight is just gonna show up one day unannounced, like: “Haha! Did you really think you were gonna escape me??” I can feel it in my bones…and see it in my relatives.

    No planned exercise for moi. I have to be tricked into doing it, so it can’t feel like work. I do like to walk, and I can walk for MILES if I have music. I also rode my bike a lot when I was younger. That’s something I can hack. I really want to start doing stretches, because it doesn’t make sense for me to be this young and so out of shape! And I was telling my mom the other day that I need to swing ’round the old hood and get in on somebody’s double dutch game. Now THAT’S exercise I can dig. ;-)

    Don’t be so hard on yourself Aliya. I, for one, approve of the reason you’ve been slacking. :-p You are the only blogger I know (granted, I don’t read too many) that thoroughly researches blog posts. You make me change my views of blogging (and I’m not just saying that because I’m a fan girl!). If others put as much work into blogging as you do, I’d view it as a more credible form of media. You are spoiling us, though, so perhaps a break IS in order. ;-)

    Good luck!

  16. Aliya S. King Says:

    people: y’all rock. I had to work today, you know, work that actually will end in a check in the next six months or so. (Unless the whole world collapses). And I couldn’t chime in throughout the day like I usually do.

    But so many things I want to say.

    I want to ask my fellow snackers something: Do you think your overeating or eating the wrong thing comes from an emotional place? I’d like to blame my ice cream consumption on the blog. But sitting in bed at midnite eating Breyers is NOT from blogging. If you eat 13 cookies, or sneak to Burger King for lunch, or can’t resist creamy stuff…are we filling some empty spot with food? We’re obviously comforting ourselves, no? Food makes us feel good. I think in order to have lasting change, we have to stop equating food with comfort. I think.

    Alisha and la negrita made me realize something important: acceptance is important. When I first read Alisha’s post, i was green with envy. 6 feet tall and 136? That bitch! But then she talked about how she often wanted to be thick.
    I’m still hating on Negrita, though. Lattes for breakfast. and 124 pounds. Hmph. She wasn’t even apologetic about it. Damn her.

    I can’t imagine jay and hanif being overweight. the last time i saw either of them, they were skinny tadpoles. And of course, they will be able to shed the weight much faster, (if they work at it), than I will because they are men and life’s not fair.

    Kimmie. I don’t know what you look like. but I love that you said, “you know what. I’m fat. period.” It’s that kind of tough talk that gets results. I’m pulling for you.

    Kimbery, Yolanda, Tanisha, Lashonda, Kimmie, Ms. 20 Somm, Whitney, JennyJen, Elise: I love y’all for giving me your feedback. For reals. I’m going to check in and update every so often. Knowing that I have put this out here, (and that you all have too!) has motivated me even more. I don’t have any ice cream in the house tonight. No cookies. No cake. No candy. I bought myself a box of cereal that I really like. Healthy stuff. But sweet enough to satisfy my sweet tooth. I can do this. We can do this.

    Del: Yeah. I went from vegan to italian cheeseburgers from Dickie Dees and Jimmy Buffs. Bad.

    Kenny: My “Be Alone Tonight Dress” HA! You know I’ve always been obsessed with Tisha Campbell. I thought I was her for two seconds.

  17. K Dubb Says:

    @Elise – I SO want a Wii! LOL!
    But, yeah Aliya, I can relate to this post!! I’m 4’11 and weighing in at 130 pounds, so right now, me and my weight ain’t cool. A while ago, I bought a treadmill, ab scissor and free weights to get my Kanye ‘Workout Plan’ going, but there haven’t been any major improvements yet. The goal is to get down to about 120 pounds, but more importantly, I’m trying to eat betta because TH tries to “throw down” with me and he definitely shouldn’t eat the way my behind can eat, especially with his high blood pressure. As the woman of the house, I’m trying to set a healthy example at home. Now at work, it’s a different story! LOL! With meetings, reports, phone calls, etc., it’s hard sometimes to find that healthy alternative for lunch when you pressed for time. I’ve recommitted myself to Healthy Choice frozen dinners for a while (for health and budget reasons), so I’ll shall see how it goes…

  18. Aliya S. King Says:

    @K.Dubb: here’s what i know. we have to make lunch at home the night before. that’s a no-brainer. I don’t always do it. But it’s what we need to do. you can pack it with SO much stuff. stuff you really like. (A sandwich with really good bread, your favorite cheese), even chips or popcorn. And you will still spend less money and have a healthier lunch than any alternative. (healthy choice is cool. but it would make me cheat with something real crappy by 3PM.)

  19. la negrita Says:

    @Aliya, I never liked the phrase “emotional eating” but I realize that’s what I do. If I have a rough day, I will “treat” myself to something nice (and I have a meeean sweet tooth). Working lunches make me sad, so I leave the building as often as I can for lunch, and I’ll grab something at the coffee shop for a quick break. Often, when I go to Starbuck’s for a drink, it’s just an excuse to get away for a while. I need to find another outlet. It’s fattening AND expensive!

  20. K Dubb Says:

    @negrita, I didn’t even account for my starbucks habit… Wow, I gotta reevaluate…
    @Aliya, u gotta point sis… Come to think of it, I was snacking on 2 bags of M&Ms on the way home. Don’t know if I can go back to brown bagging it though, I’m such a creature of variety! And the frozen section has so many tasty dishes to choose from; Lean Cuisine, Marie Callendar, Stouffers, etc.; they all call my name when I ride thru… :smh: Crazy! Either way, I’m gonna shake things up, cause this baby fat around the midsection is so not cute!

  21. Tamar Says:

    My epiphany came when my midwife told me i had “hand to mouth disease” while 6 months pregnant with my second child. After i got over the shock of her comment, i busted out crying, which caused my husband to forget he was in a suburban Atlanta ob-gyn practice waiting room and flashback to the crowded South Central LA medical facilities of his youth.

    While my 6’1″ spouse and my 5′ nothing midwife didn’t quite come to blows, my self esteem and confidence were definitely blown. I sobbed hysterically throughout the rest of the visit and the only thing that would stop my tears from shedding were the bright lights of the HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW sign at Krispy Kreme.

    This method of self-medicating bit me in the butt, which would not be hard to do, literally when the scale at my final prenatal visit read 250.

    250!!!! This is nearly a tenth of a ton. This is the weight of an average NFL football player. This is just damn ridiculous when I am a 5’5″ inch 33 year old who’s not a scale fanatic but wore the hell out of my size 8 Juicy jeans that I got on sale at Loehmann’s.

    I knew I had to take some serious action. The day—the absolute day after my 10 pound baby was born–(whew, 10 down, only 240 left lol) I started Weight Watchers and became quite the food fanatic–i mean freak.

    If my measuring spoons and food scales couldn’t come along, neither could I. If my points calculator and food on the go guidebooks couldn’t fit into my bag, said trip couldn’t fit into my plans. Therefore, most of my meals contained a ton of fiber, protein and whole grain, which are essential to a healthy diet, but the way WW breaks it down I NEVER felt deprived and I was able to get my Mcdonald’s fix and soothe my ice cream jones without feeling like I’d ruined everything.

    The reality of weighing more than my husband who is over half a foot taller than me and not being able to fit into my uniform that I needed to wear to work to AFFORD items for my new family were incentive enough.

    Nine months later I had managed to drop more than 100 pounds and bottomed out at an all time low of 118, probably the lowest weight possible for me to be at until I return to dust. I was a 34 year old black woman with two kids wearing a size zero andI’m sure I looked to be very much on crack or something of the sort. That’s when I decided to weight train and bulk up to look more fit and less sickly.

    Since the novelty of not being “the fat one” wore off and I could climb stairs easily and buckle my seat belt on the plane I decided to add health awareness to my deprivation routine and started to work out at a new gym that opened in my neighborhood.

    Because my claim to fame is being the one black girl in this portion of the US who lacks the rhythm and coordination to participate in any sort of synchronized gym activity I went with a lot lot lot of trepidation. I got over it though, and these days I work out 5-7 days a week doing cardio, spin classes, weights, yoga, pilates, everything!! I ran a huge 10K race last summer in my hometown of Atlanta and plan to do so every year (just) to collect the commemorative t-shirt.

    Which brings up a valid point. I detest running, but i l-o-v-e my classes at the gym, so once you find what works for you, it’s easy to make that your focus, at least it gets you moving, and you can worry about throwing in a little variety later.

    Four years after the fact I am a healthy 125-130 pounds, size 0-2-4 depending on the maker, and more importantly, I feel great and I just passed my physical exam with flying colors. My knees don’t hurt from taking a pounding, my stomach isn’t distended from having my waistband dig into it all day. My feet don’t ache from being flattened by the weight.

    I now deal with a different, more invigorating type of discomfort. My booty being sore from the seat on the bike in cycle class. My raw, chapped hands from the friction of the weights. A sting in my hamstrings from a new funky yoga pose. I’m telling you, for obvious reasons pain has a negative connotation, as if it’s something bad, but these sensations i’m dealing with now are all good!

  22. Aliya S. King Says:

    Tamar: i love you. i have no other words for your post. except that I love you. and you are awesome. and you are inspiring. and you are the bomb. and you’re bringing me to tears right now. and you’re the bomb. and i love you. even though I don’t know you.

  23. la negrita Says:

    Wow. What else is there to say after Tamar’s post? You just made me want to sprint around my neighborhood, and it’s 8:30 at night!!

  24. Hanif Says:

    I think it’s more cut and dry than filling a void. I honestly think I’m addicted to fast food. For instance, my fiancee can call me and say, “Hanif, I made dinner tonight, your favorite. Hurry home.” I’m like cool, but for some reason I end up at Mickey D’s “ONLY” getting a snack wrap to hold me over until I get home. A 15 minute drive. C’mon Hanif. I can’t shake it. In my best Pookie from New Jack City voice: “It’s just be calling me, man” I remember in your blog a few years back, you talked about how in Canada they still have the old McDonald’s apple pies, the fried ones. I would like to center a whole family Vacation around that alone.

    I have to admit, some of it does come from complacency, in high school I was active and worked on my weight because I wanted to impress the ladies. Even in my earlier years in college. Now that I have met the woman of my dreams and I feel like she’s here to stay. I’m comfortable in my own “extra” skin. It’s horrible, but I guess I had to get it out in order to realize it. Wait. I think I just had a moment of clarity. This is really theraputic. I’ll report on my progress.

    I wish you all much success on your ambitions to be the most beautiful people you can be. Stay positive and focused.

    I’ll see you at the beach this summer!!!!

  25. Aliya S. King Says:

    update: TH just came in from work. And he brought me a slice of pizza. I hate him.

  26. Aliya S. King Says:

    another update: He also brought home a pint of ice cream. I’m filing for divorce.

  27. Aliya S. King Says:

    update number three: he also has chocolate cake. he’s dancing around the living room eating large spoonfuls of chocolate cake with ice cream on top. It’s a chocolate spoon cake from my favorite restaurant. I. hate. him.

  28. Tanisha Says:

    My daughter just got a job at Dairy Queen two days ago. She is too young to live alone so she is going to have to quit. Can’t have her bringing Blizzards all up and through. @Tamar You go girl!

  29. Luvvie Says:

    I got the opposite problem as you, Aliya. I eat like a fool but cant gain a pound to save my life. My metabolism is on Usain Bolt mode. I’m btwn 115 – 120 but my IDEAL weight is 130. Would make folks stop thinking I currently run track (in high school) lol. I’m 7 yrs removed from there. Sadness.

    Then like 2 months ago, I went to the doc, and found out I (somehow, by some miracle) have lost weight. Even my “thick” jeans were loose on me (FOR SHAME!!) Wells, I went on an anti-diet, which included the consumption of crepes with strawberries and caramel about twice a week. I think I gained them 3 precious pounds back. Whew… Maybe Red Cross wont laugh at me now if I tried to donate blood.

  30. Aliya S. King Says:

    @luvvie. hmmm. you eat like a fool but can’t gain a pound. and you ate crepes twice a week and gained three pounds….

    Luvvie? Honey? I want to feel your pain. I do. I really do. I want to furrow my eyebrows in concern and make murmuring sounds of encouragement about your plight. I want to pat you on your skinny back and give you tips on weight gain.

    You poor thing.

  31. Aliya S. King Says:

    @luvvie: I take back that comment. That was rude. Feeling like you can’t keep weight on can be just as frustrating as not being able to keep it off. I know better than that. I’m just hating.

  32. Luvvie Says:

    LOL!!! It’s ok. I know all of blogville threw tomatoes and rotten apples at me when I wrote about my anti-diet. I could feel the chorus of boos.

  33. Thurselle Says:

    Aliya,

    My fifteen year old and I recently started our own “Biggest Loser” campaign in our home. Now by African American standards we are not fat we are thick however our Dr’s tell us differently when we fluctuate between sizes 10-14 at only between 5″2 – 5″4. (Oh God am I confessing online???). Any whoo we have totally changed the way that we eat and what started off as weight loss is becoming a way of life. We have totally changed our cabinets and fridge. Hagen dazs has been replaced by yogurt and low fat puddings and jello’s (But we will reward our selves once a week with something rich…She prefers cold stone). I was never a big fryer but it does my heart good to see this kid grilling away on the foreman and downing rice cakes and water. I love whole wheat and or gluten free pasta, we are both Nuts about Nuts and we spend wonderful evenings together hiking hills and walking off the days calories. Are we at our goal weights? Not yet but we are enjoying the journey to healthiness. I too want to see my Great-Grands and I plan on being healthy when I do.

    Blessings,

    Thurse

  34. Katura Says:

    I know I’m late, but I had to chime in. Never had a weight gain problem. Being thin runs in my family, but so do diabetes and hypertension. So I’m trying to eat better, cause skinny with a gut, or worse, clogged up arteries, isn’t cute or healthy.

  35. tmpringl Says:

    It’s okay, you can blame it all on us!

    Blogging does make you fat. Yeah, I said it. If you take it seriously and care about the discussion and comments your posts generate, you tend to get a little…um, obsessive about it. Especially for a writer like yourself.

    Ice cream is my biggest issue now. I eat a little coffee mug full of ice cream and Oreo bits every other night. It’s sooo good. But I have to quit. I will quit. Tonight probably. Or tomorrow. Well, when I run out, I won’t buy any more. :)

    Definitely have to make an effort to try harder, exercise more and pass up the Pierre’s when it’s calling to me in the ice cream aisle.

  36. Jovi Says:

    I am an addict. Food is my lover. Every day is a struggle for me and have battled with my weight for years. I am 5’7” and weigh 190 but friends don’t believe my weight. ‘No, you are not that heavy, you look good.’

    Started weight watchers about 9 months ago and have lost 15 lbs but a big piece of cake on saturday will add 5 lbs for my weigh in on Tuesday.

    Just purchased wii fit so will use that until the weather gets nice and can walk outside.

    Met a friend that wanted to gain weight, she wore a size 0. Doctor said she would gain weight as she got older or had a baby but it never happened. Did not know skinny girls dreamed of gaining weight.

    Commit to making a life style change and don’t call it diet. Diets are short term.

  37. Timothy Says:

    my wife just read this and she says”she’s on her way…”

    I said what does that mean. Then she goes into the story of her very “big” friend, who wasn’t always big and how she got that way.

    Apparently eating ice cream every night is a good start along that path.

    Glad your doing better!

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